In my friend circle, I am the one who always apologies 1st. But since the last fight with my friend I have not apologised but she has not said sorry either. Do you think I should say sorry to her or keep up my self respect and wait for her apology. Is she my friend if she does not care?
Action vs intention…
Hi Maria, Thank you for your question. We often confuse action with intension and sometimes we confuse an act with a feeling. Let me explain…. action is something that we do on the outside whereas intention is something that we feel on the inside.
Sometimes good actions that look good on the outside might have bad intentions that cannot be seen. Similarly sometimes a bad action that looks bad on the outside might be motivated with a good intention.
For example when you apologise to people the action looks good on the outside as this shows you do not bring ego between friendship but sometimes this action is based on an intention to “appear” good to others or an intention of “avoiding fear of loosing friends“. It’s not necessary each apology is heartfelt or meant.
Similarly sometimes fights look ugly in action and look bad on the outside but in intention they mean that you care for each other and the other person matters. Hence my request is for you to go deeper and check for your friends intention rather that only her actions.
If her intentions for you as a friend are good….then you can approach her not necessarily with an apology (always apologise only when you mean it!) but with an openness to communicate. See how it goes after that.
Which one shall I choose between the two….
For the benefit of everyone who get confused between self respect and ego lets explore this a bit further. Sometimes we feel it is our self respect which is at stake but it could only be our ego. Ego is more about self importance rather than self respect.
But equally true is a fact that sometimes we compromise our self respect thinking it is only our ego. The simple way to know the difference is Self respect is about setting healthy boundaries where people are not allowed to attack our personal beliefs, especially when those beliefs do not harm anyone and are pertaining to our own life.
Example : the belief about our religion or no religion, the way we choose to live aka lifestyle, etc. Whereas Ego or self importance is about the greed to get the limelight in every situation even when it does not concern us directly. Example : the feeling of insecurity when our friend chooses to be with other friend.
Lets grow each day….
In short ego is a negative concept and self respect is a positive one. Arguments, fights, criticism etc are all necessary for our personal growth and if we look at it from the point of view of ego the purpose of personal development is lost. Finally Ego will always make you think “me only” and Self Respect will make you think “me also”.
I hope with this reply I have been able to communicate my thoughts to you. Thank you for writing in to our blog.
If any of you have any queries or doubts in mind and can’t seem to think clearly about an issue feel free to write to us and we will try to share our point of view.